despair…

The scorching heat of the sun was burning everything. every life was stagnant. It was mundane. Just like my every other day when I cant differentiate one day from another. All are the same. The last drop of happiness had evaporated long ago…such that it left no mark of its presence. It felt as if the cool touch of happiness was just a dream. All that was left was the scorching dry day. The heat of the sun exhausted my body… I could cope up with the world anymore. And just like every other day I felt lost.

Memories of the past flashed across my mind sometimes. But they were very vague as if those were never part of my life. As if I had seen them in television or maybe dreamt about them. For I never could try and feel what all I had felt before. The dryness of the world had seeped inside me. I was loosing my ’each day’ in a big sea of ’everyday’… caught in the rat race of doing the right and toiling towards ideal I had lost myself. Above me was the flaming hot sun enjoying my despair and all round me was the race towards nothingness in which I was running… running away from myself.

My nightmare had become reality . All my dreams lost. I was thrown in the dark, infinite well of nothingness. As my days passed I was slowly suffocating to death. The dark walls pressing all around me. My desperate screams couldn’t pierce the silence, couldn’t crack the walls. Slowly I lost my voice, became dumb. Inside those dark walls my dead body existed lost in time as I was running in the desert with no end.

Then it suddenly came. From the other end of the world… where I am from. From that world came the clouds. The dark blue clouds covered the sky. I was so dumb and senseless that I didn’t even recognize them. It grasped the world. I writhed to set myself free. It encircled me like doom and pressed me from all sides. It spread through my nerves like a deadly poison paralyzing me. I writhed in agony I tried to scream but in vain as I had lost my voice to every mundane day to the rat race. It seemed as if it would last forever… torment me till the never ending end. It tore me apart and then it rained! I felt after such a long time! I felt pain! The rain washed my senses. I can once again feel the emotions that I had once felt. Darkness encompassed the world. I fell down on the sand and closed my eyes.

Once more I can see myself… the bleak remains of the past. I can hear the raindrops falling on the dust turning it into clay. My heart rejoiced as it felt the pain for the cool winds at the end of the storm whispered in my ears that I was alive! Now they are leaving me again…the rain, the clouds, the wind returning to the world where I came from. As I lay under the stars basking in joy and pain at the same time the thought of tomorrow deadens my heart.

You don’t understand. Do you? don’t worry no one can. I will try to be like you from tomorrow again. Trapped in the clutches of your world I can never escape into my world again. Confined by the conventions, scared of doing wrong again from tomorrow I shall run lost in the desert sand. Hurdles will make me fail. Enraged by my bondage I will scream, cry in despair. You will laugh at my stupidity, my ‘weakness’. I will hate you with all my heart.
Then one day running like this I will become one of you and forget my world. I will die while still breathing. Everyday will be just so mundane…I will lose myself in nothingness…