I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. The reality wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t very peaceful either. I sat up in the bed and started to fiddle with my mobile just to take my mind off. When I was very young-a child, my father once told me when you wake up from a very bad dream that too an early morning one (which according to popular belief are supposed to come true) you go to some running water or pond , touch the water and say “let the water wash away my nightmare”. Little-me was so scared that it will come true that I used to do this whenever I had a bad dream. This habit has stuck through all these years. It is a silly thing but it has never failed to make me feel better and strangely protected.
I cannot sleep anymore. I am sitting beside the window watching the purple sky slowly lighten up as the first rays of sun pierce the dark night. Slowly the sky is turning into a pinkish orange. And I can hear the first bird singing its song. I haven’t seen a sunrise for so long. Other birds are also joining in. it is such a beautiful thing – early morning and birds singing. It makes you feel there are some things that haven’t changed. Every morning the little bird still gets up. It hasn’t lost hope in this world. Maybe everything is not lost. There is still some love left in this heartless world. There are still lush green fields, beautiful mornings, wise old trees, vast blue oceans and places not poisoned by modernization, hearts which haven’t been turned black yet by selfishness, ego and pride. Simplicity can still be seen. There is still poetry and romance and beautiful fairy tales. There is still some hope left… till the birds sing.
I wrote this one night while laying on my bed. Sleep evaded me for hours. I felt so bad lying and trying to force myself to sleep. I felt I had done injustice to the dreams once dreamt, injustice to my past. Each night is the same hating myself for letting go.
My face pressed upon the pillow
The darkness blinding my eyes
I am waiting for sleep to take me
In the world of blissful oblivion
Shackles and chains bind my mind
They torture me, soothe me
With dreams once dreamt
But each day the pain reduces
I move towards inevitable death
I am scared, I am panicked
Dreams and reality, fact and fiction
They refuse to separate
As fatigue clouds my mind
Sleep takes me to a dreamless world instead.
It was my birthday yesterday. There were so many things on my mind. It was my last birthday in college. I don’t know when my next birthday comes where i will be and where my friends will be. The day started in a perfect way. I felt so special. As the day progressed I felt perfectly happy.
I have been troubled and sad for 2 years. I could never concentrate on anything else. I was afraid, scared, haunted by nightmares but for a few months I feel at peace. Last birthday I made a promise to myself. This birthday i could see it coming true.
But the night turned out to be unexpected. I cant believe people can behave in such a wrong way. Somewhere deep down I still believe the bed time stories told by my grandmother where wrong doers are punished moreover they are ashamed and feel sorry for their doings. That is important to me that people realise their mistake. But yesterday I couldn’t believe as they lied on my face. I felt terribly angry. Sometimes I forget who I am and I think if I can scold people and shout at them they will realise their mistake. I am stupid to think that. I know. But i cant control myself when I see people talking like that. I felt so bad that so many people were disturbed because of me. But it was either tolerating that or speaking up. Every time I tolerate that kind of thing I end up feeling bad and under confident. I wanted to speak up. I wanted them to be punished. I had nightmares again.
But I felt bad for the situation. I felt scared for my friends. And yes at night I fell weak, emotionally weak. I just wanted to lean on someone. I did it again. Those few months of peace I lost in a single day. I just have to change my attitude. I have to be more practical and strong. I wish I could go just a few weeks back.
A dark night. Millions of stars thrown carelessly all over the sky. That’s what prompted me to write this post. Music thudded in my ears through the earphones. Still I could feel the bus alive with noise and warmth. I gazed out into the sky and couldn’t tear my eyes off. Very few times I have seen a night sky so beautiful but never before have felt that way. I stuck my head out of the window and felt the cool night air rushing past my ears, ruffling my hair. I kept on gazing like someone possessed. I watched as the open fields and tall trees gave way to some few homes lit by the yellow sodium light, people walking in narrow lanes with torches in their hands. The sky also changed. It was as if the stars shy of the lights below hid behind some veil only to come out when the lights disappeared into darkness. How tiny we all are compared to those stars, how insignificant! The light I was seeing was not even there now. We went from stone age to medieval age through industrial revolution to modern era… all a tiny dot of time compared to those stars. I was lost in awe. The sky fell pale as the ground dressed itself and the ground fell dark as the sky put on its glittery gown. I kept on watching the cycle. The misty glow of the sky, the warmth of the villages all kept coming back and leaving. It was so beautiful. Nothing mattered what was past, what was to come… I lived in the present, I was who I was and not who I wanted to be. I was in sync with life.